Teddy. Taft. JFK. Big names that are the core of a rough and tumble punch you in the mouth and hook up with your sister and your sister’s friend kind of team. I’d like to introduce you to the Whig Party Filibusters. The only team in this league with a name and a true identity.
Round 1: Theodore Roosevelt (RB)
As a man and a warm blooded American, taking Teddy with my first pick was a no brainer. “A Republican, he is noted for his exuberant personality, range of interests and achievements, and his leadership of the Progressive Movement, as well as his “cowboy” persona and robust masculinity”. Translation? He is a badass, womanizing, hotheaded, hardnosed superstar.He was shot in the ribs once and just shrugged it off just like he could shrug off would be tacklers. EXACTLY what I’m looking for to built my offense around. The Rough Rider himself is going to be the heart and soul of this team and is everything that embodies a championship organization: balls, booze, and brains.
He is literally everything a man should want to be.
P.S. Sure Sam it’s easy winning an election with 100% elector
al votes when there are only 20 people qualified to vote in the United States.
Round 2: William Howard Taft (RB)
Six feet tall and 300 pounds. I picked up the behemoth of a man for one reason and one reason only. Touchdowns. You think that String bean speghetti arms Lincoln is going to be able to stuff Taft at the goal line? I am actually willing to make a bet that noone on sam or joe’s team could come anywhere close to taking him down. I’m talking Jerome Bettis style rushing, a runaway train with no brakes.
Round 3: John F. Kennedy
There is no denying that the NFL is a Quarterbacks’ league, that is why it is absolutely nessecary to draft a skilled and polarizing leader that can stand in the pocket and throw the deep ball no matter what kind of pressure he faces. What I love most about this kid, besides his great hair and ability to pull (whaddup Marylyn), I love the way he inspires people, not only with his leadership and words but with his work ethic and his gritty Irish style of play. He’s the comeback kid, he’s the guy I want with the ball in his hands when we’re down in the fourth quarter with time running out, not only because he’s easily to most fit and skilled athlete in the draft, but because the other guys believe in him. Ask not what this presidential fantasy team can do for you, but ask what you can do for this presidential fantasy team.
Now I know I’ve received some criticism for taking the two youngest presidents in history AND relying on them as my leaders and playmakers, but I’m building for the future here. Give my boys here a year or two to develop and we have ourselves a regular dynasty.
Round 4: Dwight D. Eisenhower (Flex)
Dwight is the veteran of the team (double entendre five!) so I figured he would make a great fit for the flex position. He’s not the most explosive feller in the ball club but he knows the offense in and out and can be thrown in as a Tight End, Wide Reciever, or Runningback in any formation and make a big play. He might not have dangerous speed that would let him break an 80 yard run, but he’s always where he needs to be and is often that guy throwing the big block for whoever is about to break that 80 yard run. He brings great experience and leadership to the clubhouse and is a guy I’d want around when we get deep into the playoffs. He isn’t in it for the glory, he’s here to win a championship.
Round 5: Ulysses S Grant (D/ST)
Good ole Ulysses. Who is that you might ask? That drunk guy who fought relentlessly to save the union? WRONG. He’s the most genius defensive coordinator ever to set foot in the District of Columbia. His ferocious defenses struck fear into the hearts of the NFC South during the 1860’s as his tight coverage combined with excellent blitz packages to make a defense that could almost never be scored on. And on special teams he is know for coaching guys with blazing (wait for it) fast speed like William Tecumseh Sherman (boom! Delayed high brow history joke), one of the best return men in United States history, so you know he’ll be dangerous on both punt and kick returns.
Round 6: Millard Fillmore (Kicker)
Millard Fillmore, better known as Ole’ Reliable, will be the Filibuster’s 2013 kicker. He went to a small D3 school for soccer but was kicked off the team after an altercation with a referee, which is when he decided to pick up football, but not too much else is known. What we do know is he has nerves of steel, an ice cold stare, and he can really kick the shit out of that football.
**All of the aforementioned facts are in fact not facts, but complete fabrications…or are they?
Round 7: George W. Bush (Wider Receiver)
Now this was one of those picks that you just have a feeling about and cant help but go from the heart. George has always been an outstanding athlete, lettering in 6 different sports at his high school in Texas (including water polo), so I picked him up as one of those guys that can take hits all game long and keep going. He’s an ideal slot receiver, with great hands and cat-like speed and quickness, I can see him running those quick slants across the middle and every now and then squeaking through a couple LB’s to bust one for a big gain. He a tough player with a nose for the end zone and will be a great attribute to the squad, especially in the redzone.
Round 8: Richard Nixon (Tight End)
As you can see my team’s identity is tough hard-nosed football. A lot of runs up the middle with big guys making big plays. Nixon fits right in. After he won the Vietnam war and scared the Soviets so badly that they got rid of all their nukes, he decided to create that big fake Watergate scandal so he could leave office and pick up football and that’s where our scouts found him. Its deep in the draft and we already have our playmakers so what I was really looking for was more of an old school blocking Tight End. Nixon can open up gaps and really bust you in the mouth down field. Nixon? Yeah, he still got it.
Round 9: Gerald Ford (Wide Reciever)
Now I’m a big fan of chemistry so I was thrilled when I snagged these two back to back. Nixon and Ford are boys and they really bring a lot of energy and camaraderie to the clubhouse. With that being said this wasn’t the only reason I grabbed Gerald. Gerald’s got wheels, I mean the dude can fly. He invented the car, the steam engine, and runs a 4.2. And not only all that fake crap that I just said he’s the only guy who actually played football! So auto win for me. Anyways look for him down field, he makes his living in the back of the endzone.
Round 10: Warren G Harding (Bench)
He took over in 1915 and beat the Germans and the Brits in the First World War. Known for his toughness in the trenches and his strong distaste for foreign food and women. Mr. Harding…I like your style.
Round 11: William Henry Harrison (Bench)
We got a great month of production out of him….but that’s really about it.
Filed under: Analysis, Fantasy Football, Politics, Presidents | Tagged: Eisenhower, fantasy football, george w. bush, JFK, john f. kennedy, Millard Fillmore, Presidents, Richard NixonGerald Ford, Theodore Roosevelt, ulysses s. grant, warren g. harding, William Henry Harrison, william howard taft | Leave a Comment »